Rosie's spiritual birth

I started feeling mild squeezes every now and then on Tuesday, then during the night they woke me up a bit and i got up about 4.30am and had a bath. Our midwife Ambra came for a check in the morning and Rosie was ROA (the same starting position as Maggie, and I would rather she didn’t start in the same position so was hoping she would be LOA). My mucus plug started coming away as I had blood in my discharge. Shaun was working but I was tired and wanted to relax to let things progress. We went to town so Shaun could get glasses fitted and have a haircut. I met my friend for ice cream. When we got home Shaun worked downstairs in the kitchen with Maggie on the laptop and I slept for a couple of hours on the sofa. Shaun made bean pasta and we laughed because I was grumpy and told him it was inedible bean goo. After dinner we went to the shops with Maggie in the carrier and bought yummy snacks.

I just couldn't surrender to the surges - my trauma was such that I panicked and resisted each one, and I didn't feel like I could survive it mentally. We talked to our healing birth doula and I decided i wanted to choose an elective caesarean birth - that if I felt so afraid of the surges and this was just the beginning, then I didn't *want* to handle getting to the end, and couldn't bear the thought of my daughter seeing me struggle in that way at home. It was a very hard decision to make. But Sheryl’s experience of having an elective caesarian as her own healing birth gave me the confidence that I could make the choice and would be able to feel ok about it afterwards.

We got to the hospital about 6.30am, and surges were very manageable - I breathed through them pretty easily in the hospital as we were talked through all the risks and consent, and waited for them to be ready for me. I felt incredibly sad, disappointed and defeated - that i’d worked so hard to achieve a safe, healthy home birth with both my children and not managed either. And instead was choosing to have the biggest birth intervention there is. But I tried to stay positive for Rosie and make the best of it. We spoke to the registrar who said we’d have the surgery that morning. As we went through the procedure and risks with the surgeon and anesthatist, my surges remained manageable but i did need to stop talking to breathe through them and they started getting stronger.

I felt like I was shouting by this point, but the midwifes said it sounded like singing and it was beautiful. The surges got so strong and i felt pressure in my bottom, the surges stayed just at the bottom of my belly at the front. I started leaning over the bed and jumping up and down during surges as I felt I couldn’t stay still with the downward force. The midwives said it seemed like she might be coming and they needed the check me, as it would be difficult to do a caesarian if she was close to being born. I didn’t know how I’d manage to stay still long enough for the epidural anyway and was afraid. One of the midwives checked me stood up and said they could feel Rosie’s head. So there was no going back! I started having gas and air and after being examined started to feel like i was pushing something out. I leant over the bed, roaring and jumping, I could feel fluid and pressure as surges kept coming. They said her head was out and it felt huge! I was totally in shock that it was happening. The relief when she came all the way out was intense. I sat down and said ‘What the f** was that?’ (which Shaun thinks was funny and we have on video).

It took me a little while to come around from the shock, and to be able to focus on what an amazing story this is to add to my new narrative about myself. My midwife reminded me how I said 'this is going to be such a great story!' as she was coming out. I was really focussed in birth prep on my connection and support from the universe, and trying to trust the journey. And it seems like the universe stopped the porter from picking up my bloods when they were supposed to, to give me the opportunity to prove to myself that I am capable and I can trust. Making the decision to have a surgical birth - and getting out of the house - were what I needed to to in order to surrender to the surges. So from 4am - 10am my body was quietly working away, opening my cervix ready for birth and I didn’t know until she was almost born! One minute putting make up on and the next she was being born. And all thanks to a porter not picking up my bloods. Thank you Universe!

Since I wrote Rosie's story above a lot has changed. My pregnancies, births and motherhood journey has really been my rebirth. I don't need to know all the answers and understand everything now. I'm getting better at trusting, and believing that it's all going to be alright. Rosie's pregnancy and everything I've achieved since - how i've grown as into an artist and business woman, a home-educating mother, a panto and choir performer, a puppy mummy - it's all thanks to the transformation that was growing my girls. Life is still a struggle, most of the time - but I have faith that i'm taking the right steps on the path even if i don't know where i'm going. I feel grateful for Rosie's journey and her surprising birth and everything the Universe has blessed me with since.